Eli Gottesdiener - Hideous Lawyer of the Week

Putting job candidates though the following nonsense in this economy when people are fighting to merely put food on the table is certainly an assholic thing to do.

"Gottesdiener Law Firm, PLLC, a plaintiffs’-side ERISA class action firm, is looking for a senior litigation paralegal with extensive electronic discovery document review and processing experience or a law clerk with a J.D. to do same together with higher-order fact research and analysis. We are only interested in receiving applications from candidates who meet our criteria, which include an ability to follow the instructions in this ad for applying.

Minimum Requirements

• If applying for the senior paralegal position, you must have 5 years of large law firm experience and at least 3 years direct, hands-on electronic discovery document review and processing experience. If applying for the J.D. position, you must be able to teach yourself the legal and practical ins-and-outs of ediscovery under the Federal Rules. In either case, you must be able to work a minimum of M-F from 8:30 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. and some weekend and evening hours as needed. • You must be good with numbers, fast and efficient with Excel and all kinds of computer software, and be able to organize and make sense of large volumes of data. • You must have a can-do spirit and understand the value of the opportunity to work on the front lines of sophisticated federal civil class action litigation.

A Successful Application Will Consist of (and Only of):

1. A three-paragraph “cover letter” that is pasted into your email reply. The first paragraph should state your reason for applying, with specific reference to your suitability for our firm (including the requirement that you be good with numbers, fast and efficient with Excel and all kinds of computer software, and able to organize and make sense of large volumes of data). In this paragraph, we expect not empty cookie-cutter statements about your “strong interpersonal and communication skills”, “multitasking ability” “commitment to excellence”, etc. but concrete facts that show you are different from the pack and can immediately contribute to our operations. In the second paragraph, please indicate (1) your current position (Confidentiality assured), (2) salary/benefits package and (3) your earliest start date. The third paragraph will explain your transition from one job/educational pursuit to the next, concluding with your current situation. If you are currently without a position, you should explain what you have been doing since your last position.

2. A resume that is succinct, clear and no more than one page that is pasted into your email reply below your “cover letter”.

3. A separate list of references that is pasted into your email reply below your cover letter and your resume. You should not list academic or other references: only work-related references. You should provide a one sentence statement explaining your relationship to the reference and the period of time you worked for the reference. If you cannot provide a reference from your current position, explain why not. (No references will be contacted without your permission, so confidentiality is not a sufficient reason for not providing a current reference).

4. The subject line of reply email must contain only the following: the last name of the judge who agreed with us that PricewaterhouseCooper LLP's definition of normal retirement "age" as the date on which an employee completes 5 years of work for the Firm regardless of age, is invalid."